floating on a life-saver

Captain's log:

Day 390(-ish) with no steady employment. Still drifting aimlessly out at sea, no land in sight. A few mirages have appeared, but after toying with my weary mind they've now faded, along with most of my resolve to stay hopeful. Buoyancy is compromised. Yarrrrr! Where's the plank so I can jump off?

OK it's been a hot minute since I posted anything of substance here. Or anything, period. It's just very hard to write about nothing day in and day out. Le sigh. But here's hoping the tides are turning very soon. Things are starting to happen. Cross fingers.

To combat my dreadful boredom, add a little oomph to my resume and meet some new peeps, I've started volunteering again-- doing what I do well, which is working for no money (siiiigh). I signed up with New York Cares, a nifty little group that organizes well-meaning do-gooders throughout the city by hooking them up with appropriate volunteer opportunities. I chose the Lower East Side Harm Reduction Center, a community-based non-profit organization whose mission is "to reduce the spread of HIV/AIDS and drug-related harm among injection drug users and the community." The philosophy of harm reduction is recognizing that drug users and the larger community are deserving of the same basic human right to health and well-being that we all are, and aims to promote this through practical and non-judgmental provision of information and services. So I spent my Valentines Day promoting L-O-V-E by packaging condoms and educational materials for dissemination around the city-- a much more productive use of my time than a candlelit dinner and pink roses and teddy bears and all that Hallmark nonsense (and also because I did not have a date). My guide/supervisor for the day was the uber-exuberant Tino, who took a whole extra hour post-assignment to talk with me about additional ways I could be involved with the group in a non-volunteer capacity (i.e. I get PAID beeyatch!). So sweet of him, and am definitely looking further into this now.

At the end of it all, he asked me why do I do these things, choose to work with these people, in these situations. I'm not sure what the correct answer is to that..? I said I've tried other things (I used to be in advertising, can you believe?), but nothing else was as fulfilling for me as this line of work. He said "ok I'll accept that." Then I added, "it's for the penance of my tainted soul." I think that was the million dollar answer. He just laughed.

what tomorrow may bring

Nassim Nicholas Taleb, author of The Black Swan (which I started to read but got distracted- will give another shot), gives his 10 rules for living with dignity amidst an uncertain world. Needless to say, it is resonating soundly with me these days.
(originally found from one of my favorite blogs, the incomparable Jessica Zafra)

1 Scepticism is effortful and costly. It is better to be sceptical about matters of large consequences, and be imperfect, foolish and human in the small and the aesthetic.

2 Go to parties. You can’t even start to know what you may find on the envelope of serendipity. If you suffer from agoraphobia, send colleagues.

3 It’s not a good idea to take a forecast from someone wearing a tie. If possible, tease people who take themselves and their knowledge too seriously.

4 Wear your best for your execution and stand dignified. Your last recourse against randomness is how you act — if you can’t control outcomes, you can control the elegance of your behaviour. You will always have the last word.

5 Don’t disturb complicated systems that have been around for a very long time. We don’t understand their logic. Don’t pollute the planet. Leave it the way we found it, regardless of scientific ‘evidence’.

6 Learn to fail with pride — and do so fast and cleanly. Maximise trial and error — by mastering the error part.

7 Avoid losers. If you hear someone use the words ‘impossible’, ‘never’, ‘too difficult’ too often, drop him or her from your social network. Never take ‘no’ for an answer (conversely, take most ‘yeses’ as ‘most probably’).

8 Don’t read newspapers for the news (just for the gossip and, of course, profiles of authors). The best filter to know if the news matters is if you hear it in cafes, restaurants... or (again) parties.

9 Hard work will get you a professorship or a BMW. You need both work and luck for a Booker, a Nobel or a private jet.

10 Answer e-mails from junior people before more senior ones. Junior people have further to go and tend to remember who slighted them.

I especially like #6. Mastering the error part. Yes.

moratorium

I just realized that today, dear readers, is my ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of unemployment. ONE YEAR. I have been without stable paid work for 365 days. Wow.

Lucky for me I really enjoy sleeping in. (see? bright side! always!)

I'm not stressing. I'm not stressing. I'm not stressing.

judgement day

I was really starting to despair and really starting to remember what stress feels like. Since July I have been muddling along, diligently firing off resume after resume after resume, with absolutely no response. I was really beginning to wonder if anyone ever reads these things or are they just ending up in a big black hole of nothingness? All this time I've been trying to keep hope alive and stick it out, not settling for anything less than what I really want, because this time I am aiming higher! But CNN finally confirmed that the U.S. is "officially" in a recession (duh! you think?) and Obama reiterates constantly that the economy is only going to get worse before it gets better. Meanwhile I am sinking lower, lower, lower into my pit of hopelessness. I started to toy with the idea of leaving, yet again. It would be out of necessity, as New York City is not the most practical place to live in on an income of nothing and in a job market offering nothing. I'm thinking to myself, maybe it's time to really re-learn Spanish. I wonder what the weather is like in Buenos Aires this time of year?

And then... Finally! A ray of hope! Santa seemed to have heard my wish. One singular interview offer appears in my in-box. And it's a gooood one. I want it! Oh the pressure. Ouch my brain! I haven't used it in so long, and I only had 2 days to cram.

The interview was today over the phone. I had that familiar feeling again- stress! It was a panel of 4 people interrogating, and from the beginning they asked me to be concise and to the point. So much for all the cutesy anecdotes I had prepared. Then they only asked 5 totally unconventional questions that blew me away. I think I babbled quite a bit, floundering for the right answer... or wait actually, ANY answer. I babbled and babbled, listening acutely for any signs of interest, approval, awe, disgust, but I got nothing at all. Nary a follow-up question nor a "that's nice." Hello? Is this thing on? I tried to inject some charm and humor into my answers, trying to break their icy demeanor, and babbled on about the language difficulties I sometimes had to deal with whilst in Chiang Mai. I laughed about having to design research instruments and pantomime risky sexual practices to do so. I laugh and laugh. Hmm I slowly realize I'm on my own here. Crickets chirping. Egads I just made a sex joke to these formidable, humorless people. Die!

I was so so drained when it was all over a mere 10 minutes later. I felt like war-torn Baghdad. 10 minutes is all I got, after 48 hours of cramming and 6 months of praying for it to happen. I lived to tell the tale. And now I have to wait until after the new year to find out the results.

You know how you see those finalists in say, American Idol, during the last few episodes, sobbing at the thought of coming so far only to miss the goal at the very end of the journey? I really feel for them now. Don't laugh.

So please send good vibes and prayers my way, coz I really could use them!